Wednesday, February 12, 2014

All Aboard

The other night I made Witt watch this video because it made me tear up earlier. 
I didn't know I'd really cry this time, hard and fast, and bury my face in his shoulder on the sofa. 
I don't even know where the sobs came from or the words I uttered next, 

"I just want to be a mother."

I do. And most of the time I walk around and I'm happy, thankful, joyful. 
But I think it's always there, buried deep.

Gypsy Slow Down

Sometimes I'm so focused on making the best of where I am now; the life that we have, everything that's good, our happy everyday chaos, that I forget that it's okay to be disappointed. 
That I can try as hard as I can, do everything right- because maybe just maybe this time- and I can also laugh and kiss and forget and have fun and yet. 
Still I'm here, without what my heart wants.

I can dwell on the what ifs, brush off the maybe I shoulds. 
All of that in the back of my mind or at the bottom of my soul. 

And sometimes its ok to reach down and pull it out. 

That learning and understanding can come. That Witt can say, maybe you shouldn't have watched that video and I can get mad because he doesn't know how to love me the way I want and he can say I'm always here for you and then I can say, I'm sorry and that's all I needed to hear.

Gypsy Slow Down

These moments are messy and they aren't delicate and perfect. 
They show our flaws and ugliness. 

But it's life. 

And Jesus didn't sweep the ugly under a white linen tablecloth and set out the best china. He opened his arms and embraced the messy and the beautiful of the people around him.

He let them in. So I'm letting it out.

I won't unpack and I'm not staying here. But a temporary stop to morn for my disappointments on this journey called life?

All aboard.

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